Current status: lying in bed while all my favorite people sleep safely under mounds of blankets. My thoughts are at war with my tired body. Anyways- I’m actually not this person. I’m usually the first to hit the hay. Tonight I’m up with tums and tears. And thoughts on thoughts on thoughts.
Today my OB appointment was scheduled to verify a completed miscarriage. I expected to hear this was a closed chapter and I could pick up the pieces and restore my spirit in a new season. But it’s not over. I hate this.
Losing my baby was traumatic. It was awful. . In this very moment I can feel the violent departure… Why don’t we share this- The ugly part? The PAINFUL part. Why aren’t we connecting in our grief? Physically, it’s HELL. And the worst part? We labor in loss. I pushed and gave birth to an angel baby in the hall bathroom. Alone. And in a teary panic I reached my hands into the toilet to bring my baby into eye sight even though I had no clue what I was looking at. It’s a bloody mess. It steals your breath and in that very moment you know. Permanently separated, until Jesus calls you home, from a very real part of you.
Emotionally it’s damaging. We question ourselves. What did I do wrong? I never missed a prenatal vitamin…or had more than 2 cups of coffee.. I drank more water than I ever wanted- Why did my body fail me? The doctors reassure you without prompt that this is normal + it’s not your fault, and on and on. And everyone is different.
For me, there’s an entirely other element. Losing my baby resurfaced the trauma of losing Justin. I bet every loss for all of my days will bring me back to the moment I lost him.
It’s difficult to make sense of it all. How to grasp even an inkling of understanding in the mess. I don’t question God. I do, however, wish I could see all my broken pieces, pieced together for His glory.
My doctor said my HCG levels aren’t decreasing the way she would like. (The irony) Every pregnancy test still reads positive. I have two weeks to prove a pregnancy test is negative before we dive into the possibility of Trophoblastic Disease. Which let me say now, I’m certain I don’t have. I’m sure a pregnancy test will appear negative within the next 13 days. But that’s beside the point.
I WANT TO SCREAM. THIS ISN’T FAIR! I want my brother. I want my baby. I now want (irony x 2) A negative pregnancy test.
There’s a beautiful song by Natalie Grant that speaks to God being God before our destruction. And that while it’s in our nature to take the reigns on life… He has us!!! He is the same today as he was yesterday. No matter what storm we are facing today, the waves and wind still know his name!!!! The truth is the truth regardless of our current status. Feelings and circumstances change- but God is the same today, yesterday and forever. And for me, appreciating this truth minimizes my pain. Because I know God is working. I believe my pain can be used for Jesus. Faith in God changes my focus from why to who!! Jesus!!! GIVE ME JESUS.
“Just a whisper of your voice can tame the sea So who am I to try to take the lead Still I run ahead and think I’m strong enough
When you’re the one who made me from the dust
When did I forget that you’ve always been the king of the world?
I try to take life back right out of the hands of the king of the world
How could I make you so small
When you’re the one who holds it all
When did I forget that you’ve always been the king of the world
Oh, you set it all in motion
Every single moment
You brought it all to me
And you’re holding on to me.”