Hills and Valleys pt2

If you haven’t read PART 1, GO NOW.

Only four days ago I was clutching the sides of my chair with an anxious heart and praising God. Singin’ “What a Beautiful Name It Is” O U T L O U D inside Women and Children’s Hospital like it was my day job. Two days prior to this very moment aditional bloodwork was requested. I won’t lie, fear crept in. But I just knew God was restoring and fortifying.

Instead of begging God, I told him my heart- I warred for my baby to LIVE! To GROW!

LIVE BABY! STRENGTHEN HEART! GROW!

And all in Jesus name. I told God I trusted His plan. Really trusted him. And that if He takes my baby, my faith wouldn’t shatter this time. And then, AND THEN- I surrendered. I worshiped. I FELT PEACE. <— and I can promise this sort of peace only comes from the Father.

The doctor called me back and told me to expect a miscarriage. I wagered he was wrong. I just knew God was making a way for a miracle.. And truthfully, in my heart of hearts, I believed I would see this doctor in 6 months and SHOW him how BIG my God is.

I don’t understand, and I don’t know why…but God decided to take. LOSS in any form hurts. It bleeds us! It changes us. And sometimes His plans don’t make sense. After Justin, I learned real brokenness. AND BECAUSE OF JUSTIN, I have learned how to be utterly destroyed and rise above Satan’s lies.

Last night around 5:30, in the hall bathroom I went into labor, alone and scared. But my baby opened his eyes for the very first time and saw JESUS. It was a painful night in a thousand different ways for me. But for baby, it was indescribably perfect.

And the absolute shining light in this valley is knowing my child who EXISTED, who I love, who I miss already, will never experience the pain of this world. Only JOY.

And NOW, a part of me rests in another world, seperated by an invisible distance yet tied eternally with love, just like my brother.. And I KNOW my brother is already loving him; Holding him until I can.

A sweet friend of mine facing this same storm reminded me of this verse In 2 Samuel where David is told he will lose his son. And David weeps and fasts for a week warring for his child’s life. When the child passes, David stands and cleans himself and eats. The servants ask why he eats now?

And David responds

22 David said, “While the baby was still alive, I fasted, and I cried. I thought, ‘Who knows? Maybe the Lord will feel sorry for me and let the baby live.’ 23 But now that the baby is dead, why should I fast? I can’t bring him back to life. Someday I will go to him, but he cannot come back to me.”

And I kept reading it and praising God “Someday I will go to him”

And that is where my hope rests. I know when I get to heaven I’ll open my eyes and see Jesus. And right behind Jesus will be two guys I have loved more than myself their entire lives.

My sweet baby boy,

I love you. I DID WAR FOR YOU. I WANTED YOU, here with me and your daddy and brother and sister. But God has bigger plans for you in heaven, And his plans are perfect.

It won’t be very long, and I’ll be holding you in my arms,

All the days of my life I love you,

Mommy

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