Hills and Valleys

Something I haven’t shared- Mostly because I was waiting for the “right” time; a safe time. . . We’re pregnant. & Baby3: your mere existence brings unspeakable joy. When the discovery of your precious life forming inside my belly occurred, my first thought was of something my brother said the night before he died. At dinner with my aunt and uncle, he told them he was sure I would have more children. (Something I likely would’ve argued). But, he was certain of it. And He was right.

The due date of the sweet life I hold inside shares the anniversary week of my brothers death. THIS ISN’T A COUNCIDENCE. GOD IS DOING SOMETHING. I know this. It’s exactly two years later. To be honest when the nurse told me my due date, I failed to connect the dots. Weeks later, lying in bed, I stumbled upon Isaiah 66:9 “I will not cause pain without allowing something new to be born.” And it hit me. Like a train.

I know that SHOULD feel promising and hopeful. But in the moment it felt eerily like a game of chess. Even lightning shooting through my body would have felt less traumatic. Because I couldnt wager one life for another. You’ll take My brother? But give me a son?

But that’s TOTALLY missing the point. And that is not what God’s saying.

The name Isaiah actually translates into salvation or GENEROUS. And I’ve thought about it…I have a beautiful family. God has been MORE than generous throughout this life. I have two amazing healthy kids yet here I am with the Lord’s generosity growing inside my womb. He is giving me joy where I have pain! The valley my brother left will always exist. I WILL ALWAYS SEE IT. I will always feel it. But God chose to place a mountain beside the valley. He chose to fortify my joy and my hope.

I know I heard God when he told me this child was mine. And I believe whole heartedly it is a boy. Right now I’m scared. I want to war for my baby’s life and also prepare my spirit if God takes him away. The baby’s heart rate is low. I’m bleeding and my hcg levels aren’t strong. Saturday morning I’ll return to the hospital to revaluate and continue more bloodwork. I hope and pray that Saturday night I can write of God’s miracles.

So on repeat, I’ll be chanting this. hills & valleys

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